E3: Cracking Yourself Open with Geri Carey

One of the key pieces of the puzzle when it comes to growing your business is getting to know exactly who you are; what makes you tick and what makes you feel good (or not so good).

In this episode I delve head first into becoming more self aware with Geri Carey.  We talk about cracking yourself open to enable yourself to move forwards. 

Geri is a professional Therapist and Coach, she helps people to become Self-Led and step into their version of excellence by showing you how to get radically self-aware, tune in and take inspired action.

Geri's website:  gericarey.com

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Transcript

Emma: Hello and welcome to Dream Business, Dream Life. Helping ambitious people like you to grow a business they love. I'm Emma Hine and I'm on a mission to show you that it is possible to grow a business without sacrificing your life. Having experienced the rollercoaster of making millions of pounds, but feeling overwhelmed, anxious and totally unsuccessful, I know first hand the importance of growing a business On this podcast, I'm going to share with you lots of tips and advice that will enable you to grow a business that gives you the financial freedom To live the life of your dreams while sharing with you some inspirational growth stories from other fabulous business owners.

Ready to live the dream? Then let's get stuck in. Hello and welcome to today's episode of Dream Business, Dream Life. Today I'm joined by Geri Carey and we're going to be delving head first into Geri's personal growth [00:01:00] story. It's a really inspiring one. You are going to love this conversation. Geri is a professional therapist and coach who helps people to become self led.

She's a true advocate for showing people how to get radically aware and how to take inspired action to be who they truly are. She's one of my closest friends and I'm super excited as I know this conversation is going to be so powerful. Hello Geri, super excited to have us here with us today. Hello. So let's dive straight into this.

Let me hand over to you to share your personal growth story with us. 

Geri: Thank you. And thank you for that lovely introduction. So my story, what I wanted to talk about today was the, um, the change in identity. So I, um, you know, there's been many moments where I have, as I describe it, um, as being cracked, cracked open and have grown from there, um, little bit like a [00:02:00] seed growing into a, into a plant.

But I think what I'd like to share today is. How I've had to grow, um, constantly and grow into, you know, what has been a new identity following a massive change. 

Emma: Yeah, yeah. And do you want to tell us a little bit about what that looked like for you? Yeah, 

Geri: absolutely. So there's been, I think for me, first of all, because I've been really reflecting on this because it's such a great topic that you cover.

Um, it's, it's ongoing growth. Um, but I think that the one standout moment for me, um, was, I guess, Again, back, back in the day, but back in a, in a, in a corporate environment and then have it in a baby, um, was a real moment where I, I don't, I was clinging on, I think, to an old identity that had been, um, made up of, you know, A lot of what I thought I should be doing, a lot of, uh, you know, the [00:03:00] role that would bring me the money, the role that would bring me the status, and whatever else.

And just not feeling like I fitted into that identity. So I didn't really know who I was, you know. And I kind of knew who I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to get there. So I was really stuck in the middle. And for me, that's where I kind of grew from. But at the time, it didn't feel like that. It felt very raw, felt very exposed.

And yeah, it felt very scary. Um, so yeah, I think from, from that and a lot of therapy and a lot of reflection and a lot of soul searching, I was able to grow, but when I grew or let's say followed that moving into that, or if you're listening and pointing into the sky to where I want to go, It just meant I had to shed quite a lot as I went.

So even though I thought, yeah, I know I want to go, I think I feel this, this urge to be [00:04:00] something different. I almost had to then shed. Um, and in my, my personal situation was that that was family, that was some friends. So it was a very raw experience that I still manage today, really. 

Emma: Yeah. And I think, I think that's an important thing, isn't it?

You know, we, as you know, this podcast is about having a dream business and your dream life. And I think, you know, we need to know what that dream looks like, don't we? We need to know what that destination point is, but getting there isn't as simple as just, you know, getting there. Setting the sat nav, is it, and saying, right, okay, I know exactly where I'm going.

This is the route that I'm going to follow. There's, there's a lot of stuff that we need to unpeel, unpick to get us to the point where we are not able to, but willing to, I think that's the word to use, isn't it? Willing ourselves to actually believe that there is a way that we can get there. And I think one of the things that, We've been connected for quite a long time and you know me very, very [00:05:00] well and, and I talk a lot about, you know, my personal journey has only been possible by really getting a better understanding of who I am.

And you have absolutely been pivotal in that journey, helping me to, to learn who, who, who I am. Um, Yeah. I think that's something we often forget, isn't it? We actually forget that it has to start with us. You know, we have to get to know who we are and how we want to get to this point that we want to reach.

So do you think for you that, um, it was the therapy that was the thing that really helped to put you on that track? Or do you think it was something that you did 

Geri: Good question. Um, so I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I You know, I've had, I've had enough and I think if someone would have waved a, I don't know, a teabag at me full of glitter and said, sprinkle that over you, I would have done it.

You know, I was sick and tired. Um, absolute [00:06:00] multitude of health, health issues and you know, and all that jazz. So I don't, So I want to be as helpful as I can to people, but I think it was the turning inwards. It was the self, um, reflection, but you've just mentioned something really important there. And that, that gap in between, I call it the gap.

I think it was a shed, a shed load of self acceptance that had to be there. So you mentioned Sat Nav and I, and I, and I love the phrase, um, uh, a famous quote. It's a phrase actually by Maya Angelou is that to need to know where you're going, you need to know where you've been. And that stuck hard with me and where had I been.

And actually, you know, um, through psychotherapy, what actually happened. So there was a lot that happened there. So sorry, I'll bring you up to date. You've got to keep going on tangent. After that, I then obviously became a psychotherapist, there was lots in between there, but on that entire journey, looking back, there was little illuminations, there was little points [00:07:00] that took me towards that, that I leaned, that I leaned into.

But I could only lean into them because I was sat there in the rawness. And, and I sort of felt like I was starting from scratch. So it was the self acceptance and just kind of looking at, okay, well, who am I? What do I believe? What are those beliefs that are running around my head? You know, what do I stand for?

And the outside didn't match the inside. It just totally didn't. And so, yes. therapy helped initially to gain my confidence because saying stuff out loud and writing stuff out loud, I don't know if you or any of the listeners could resonate, but that's when it gets real and it's like, Ooh, you know, and in truly person centered fashion, you know, when you've, you know, when you're able to talk out loud and listen to yourself, I think, I think that's when you kind of think, hang on a minute.

You know, something's going on here, [00:08:00] or you help yourself to, you know, navigate the way to where you were meant to be. 

Emma: Yeah. Yeah. And I think you mentioned the phrase cracked open earlier, and that's a phrase I've heard you talk about quite a lot. So I sort of understand that and that's exactly what I did.

And I know it's exactly what you did. And it's something that I see with my clients quite a lot, that they are at a point where, um, you know, they potentially need to crack themselves open to allow themselves to take on that next phase. Stage of growth, either in their personal life or in their business, because ultimately quite often when we aren't getting the growth that we want, when we aren't getting closer to this dream life, this dream business that they want, it's because we're not allowing ourselves to do that.

Isn't it? It's because we're stopping ourselves because of something that potentially may have happened in the past. You know, me, the teacher telling me I'd never make anything myself. I spent all of those years, instead of doing what I wanted, just trying to. [00:09:00] Prove to the teacher that I actually could. Um, and I think we all have a story like that, don't we?

A story that is, is something that we've been led to believe is the way that we need to behave. And from, from the people that you work with, obviously we're not going to talk about any of your clients cause that's completely confidential, but from the people that you work with, your clients, is there sort of a pivotal moment for them in terms of, you know, something happens that enables them to.

Crack themselves open. 

Geri: Well, I, yeah, that again, not a good question. So, but, so I'll just go back a few steps. So when you are in a moment of, um, you know, you've got your, let's call it, we'll go into a bit of psych education, a bit of theory, but you've got your true self, and then you've got your, your ideal self.

And in the middle is that gap. So it's like, and here I am as today, and I need to get over there. So that, that's [00:10:00] a, uh, forward, motivational thing that in person centered psychotherapy says we've all born with that intrinsic motivation to move forward. So think of yourself as a plant in a plant pot, and then you've got that need to grow.

You've cracked open, you're moving forward anyway, in whatever direction that is your way of moving forward. So that's, that's kind of, that's helpful to, to, to, to use that analogy. What happens is, When we, when we know we've got that pull to move forward, so that's going anyway, you know, you've got that innate sense to grow because of the stuff in the, in the soil, the stuff that's there, that's kind of, it's going to dampen your, your ability to grow and it's, it's going to affect things.

So when you kind of. You've got a stronger force of, right, here's where I want to be, but you've got all the rubbish in your soil, or go down the bad stuff, but mainly that. You get, you get a little bit like, uh, [00:11:00] uh, uh, I don't know what I am saying. That gap in between who you are, who you want to be, or what you want, what you really, really want, is called psychological tension.

And that is known as depression and anxiety. And that's when clients go, Oh God, that's what depression and anxiety really is. Again, from person centered therapy point of view, it's that tension in between. Now, I think for me that that is a magical moment. That is, can be hugely exciting. Um, I, I've dealt, I deal with many clients that we're not used to feeling this feeling.

So that's where people might perhaps self soothe, get frightened, not know what that is. We are just not taught. We don't know what that is. So there's a million ways you can deal with that gap. So I think by learning more about who you are at the start clears the path. You can start to take the rubbish out the [00:12:00] soil.

You can kind of clear it up. You can kind of lean into that, what's called your actualizing tendency. So point, that's what's pulling you up as the seed. That's what it is. And the life changing moment for me is when I say to clients, we're all born with that. We, we all want to move forward. It's like a huge relief.

It's like, Oh, it's not my job to push myself forward. And I say, no, that's just going to happen. But obviously your job is to sort out the soil. And that, that for me is the best way I can describe. The whole thing, if that makes sense. 

Emma: Yeah, absolutely does. And if anybody's listening to this, they can't see my face.

If you're watching it on YouTube, you can. I just smiled through all of that because I totally feel all of that. And I can totally, when I sit here today and look back at my journey, I can actually see when that started to happen within me. You know, people know I didn't do the right thing and I didn't get the support and help that I needed when I was, you know, [00:13:00] depressed, suffering with anxiety, when all of that stuff, I didn't get any help.

So I sort of like, did exactly that somehow on my own, um, I can see that exact thing happening within my journey. And I'm sure all the people who are listening can in their journey, but if people can't see that, if people who are listening to this are, are feeling like they possibly need to do a bit of this work to crack themselves open, where would you suggest that they started?

Geri: Um, yeah. So I think, I think about, um, I bang on a lot about self awareness, but if we think about true self, I think it's sort of like looking at yourself. So again, it, um, non directional therapy. So I wouldn't ever sort of say, all right, can you tell me about a time when, you know, but all the therapies do, that's absolutely fine.

I would like to talk from a person centered perspective and I would like, I would say, get curious. So, for [00:14:00] example, um, I'll go, I'll give you a good example here. I, I started to notice that big emotions are a great, a great indicator to get curious about what the hell's going on there. So big, big emotions, but you know, we can only again feel, um, that we can lean into these big emotions if we're in self acceptance.

So it's a bit, do you see what I mean? It can be a bit complicated, but once we, once we know, Leaning to them really big emotions. So for me, you know, I've, I've really struggled the latest one, because I'm always work in progress is with sort of friendships. I'm all in. I'm just all in. I'm not, I'm not off in and off out.

And I, I can't, um, deal with people that are, and I know that works for loads of other people. People will be listening to this and they, and they want the, the friends that they dip in and out. And there's the saying isn't there, I'm always there in the background. That hurts me. I am proper your best friend, if I'm your best friend.

I'm like, I'm like a dog. And what I've learned through getting [00:15:00] curious about myself is abandonment's a massive thing for me. And when I did go back, so when I did see a therapist, this is where it was helpful, because it's a richer space. But when I did go back, I was the youngest of four children and You know, I was, um, and again, this isn't a sob story, it's nothing about, about me like that, but the facts are I was the youngest of four children and there was 10 years age difference and I was, I was royally known as a sort of pain, you know, didn't really, uh, quite regularly told I wasn't, I wasn't, you know, I just, I just happened and I think I found in a bush or where, wherever, that's, that's just how it is.

But there was times where, You know, I really felt alone and, um, without going into too much detail, only 'cause of time, I'd love to talk about this more, but what I had, um, so I had some therapy to sort of look at what was going on for me. 'cause that was really a big thing. It showed up in my marriage.

Abandonment was a huge thing. Um, and had. Um, [00:16:00] there was a story, a family story, and they used to say, Oh God, Geraldine, you're so funny. You'd sit in your cot, you'd be in your cot, and you'd put your arms up in the air, and you'd fling yourself out the cot. And I'd think, right? Well, actually, as a mother that's had a baby standing in the cot with her arms in the air, I was thinking, do you not pick me up?

And clearly they didn't. So I thought, right, I won't swear on your podcast. I'm getting out. Swear away. I'm getting out. So that was a bit of a family joke, but on a serious note, when I went to have therapy, I had what's called EMDR therapy, rapid eye movement. And, uh, it was one of the things that came up for me.

So it was interesting when you said about the teacher and it's interesting about things that stick in your brain that you kind of can consciously pull out. I would never have known this. Never known this and it just, it was abandonment. It was a massive wound, um, from being that little [00:17:00] baby. So what happened is, and this isn't woo, this isn't airy fair, what happened is, and your brain develops not to six, you know, my brain, you know, just developed that thought of, you know, of that fear of being abandoned and that just shows up as an adult.

So when you hear a lot about people talk about trauma and whatever, you know, I know it's a hard word, but it is true. You know, your brain is wired. Um, from those early experiences. So, you know, back to your question, if there's any massive, big emotions, buying the right place, I would say to go and explore them or journal or write them down and just see it as a mission to get curious, because You know, and, you know, what have I done about that?

Well, I kind of still sit with that, don't you know, if I meet someone new. By the way, I need you to text me five times. It's not that. It's, I think it's people just disappearing. I have a problem with that. So as long as I'm honest and upfront, which I am with friends and I say, Hey, look, this is how it, this is, this is what happens to me.

Um, with [00:18:00] that awareness, I can, I can handle it and I can, I can deal with it. Well. It does all start with clocking the massive emotions that you feel and, and just leaning into it and you'd be surprised what you find. 

Emma: Yeah, absolutely. And I think out of all of the things that you've said to me, especially over the last 12 months, um, that phrase that you just said, sit with it.

You have said that to me so many times, so many times, because, you know, whether it's come from the point of, you know, anger, emotion, whatever point it has come from, those three words are the three words that you always, always say to me and always the words that It's right. It's right. And I think that's the thing we don't do very often, is it?

We very often don't sit there and just allow ourselves to sit with the feelings, sit with the emotions, sit with the anger, sit with the, you know, how many times do you scroll Facebook? And we've had this conversation a lot. And in fact, we had it just before [00:19:00] this call. You scroll Facebook and you see something and it's almost like, You know, your spider senses kick in.

You feel, you feel spiky. You feel that, no, that's wrong. I don't agree with what you've said. And you know, so many people, their initial reaction is just to post a reply, cause an unnecessary argument, say something nasty because they disagree. And for me, I've never been that person that would just post my reply because I'm not that person.

But for me now, if I was doing that, and I think this is a great lesson for other people too, if you see something that does make you feel a little bit spiky or you hear something, just sit with it a little bit. Because actually, the problem Might not be what you're reading, it might be triggering something within you.

And I think that for me is the, you have taught me so, so much over the, the last couple of years, but for me, that is the biggest thing that I, I am now very, very mindful of. And I hope I haven't stolen your top tip for the end [00:20:00] because I, I, that would be my absolute top tip from a, you know, from. Yeah.

Whatever perspective you want to call it, that just sitting with things sometimes when we're feeling, whatever we're feeling a little bit uncomfortable, be that from a personal perspective or a decision that you've got to make in your business, if you just allow yourself time to think about it, quite often the right answer comes through.

Geri: It does, and it does, and you know, we are, oh thank you for that. Yeah, um, we're not taught, are we, to do that, you know, as kids. And again, it's not parent bashing, I always say this. Lest it's mine. But, um, yeah. You, you, you. We're not. We're taught to rush on to the next emotion, aren't we? Like, oh, you know, dust yourself off.

You think about all them sayings, you know, you'll be fine. Someone says something, automatically, you're going to be like, oh, but think about that. We're always trying to move each other on to a different emotion. And we're always trying to [00:21:00] move each other on to an emotion that we would move on to. And that just causes all kinds of funk, and I just think, sitting with it, uh, going through round, we say that a lot, don't we, as well, and just allowing that space.

And again, that comes back to that self acceptance that comes down because I can, because it all starts with me. It's always about me. It's absolutely always about you. And it does, you know, it's that permission to sit in those uncomfortable feelings. Cause again, we're just not taught to do that. And in doing that.

We kind of, we get used to them. We're not frightened of them. We don't fear them. And we, we, and we know what big feelings come for us. Like me with the abandonment, you know, I can say to myself, here we go again, it's coming again. And, and that's okay. Um, but yeah, if we, if we don't sit with them and, or if someone else is saying you shouldn't, I ban the word should, um, it's just shame inducing and it's, [00:22:00] and it's, You know, it's really about a unique experience of what things mean for us.

And actually no one else can tell us that. So that's it. Um, yeah, it's really about getting right tuned into yourself because everything else really is a little bit white noise. That's a bit controversial. And I agree. And the thing 

Emma: is, let's look at this from a two perspective, two different things perspective.

If you're launching a business, you learn everything you want to know about the type of business you are launching. You get to understand what you need to do, how you need to do it. All of that stuff. You learn all of that stuff. Yet the thing that, that we often don't do is, is look at ourselves in that same level of detail.

And actually knowledge is absolute power, isn't it? The more you know about yourself in terms of how you behave, You know, what, what are your values? Because quite often when we start to feel a little bit spiky or whatever else, it's because we're crossing those values, isn't it? We're trying to do something that just doesn't sit with us because [00:23:00] we feel like it's the only way that we can get the growth.

So I think, you know, you need to spend as much time getting comfortable with who you are. Yeah. As you do getting comfortable with what it is you need to do in your business. And I think, I think this is a, this is a bit that is missed quite a lot, isn't it? I think for people who are in this entrepreneurial space, they're focused, I say they, we are focused that much on growing our business that we forget that actually.

We've got to be on that journey. And that was my biggest mistake. You know, back in my e commerce business, it was all about the business. I didn't matter as long as the business was growing. If I'd have done all of the work that I've done post business, pre business, or at least during the business. I probably would never have had to walk away from that business.

I probably would still be running that now in a way that was giving me exactly what I wanted. Yeah. But I, I, I wasn't allowing myself to go back to the phrase you meant earlier. I wasn't allowing [00:24:00] myself to be cracked open. I wasn't even allowing myself to take a teeny little look under the, you know, under the surface sort of thing.

I was sitting on top of all of that stuff. And I think a lot of people do that. And I think a lot of the time it's. It's shame, isn't it? I think that's the word to use. Shame is massive. I think quite often, we're sitting with a lot of shame. Yeah. The things that we have historically done, experienced, or whatever else.

And we can overcome that, can't we? Once we get to the point that we understand how that shows up within us. A hundred 

Geri: percent. I know it's quite hard as a therapist and coach because a lot of the phrases, and rightly so I suppose, but are overused, and I think the fear of failure and stuff like that, I get that, the more people spread the message, but for me, you just hit the nail on the head, and I, I, that's my next big research project.

Well, I've done it, I've done it. from a, from a family point of view, but research in shame is huge. It, it stops. It's a, it's a word we don't even [00:25:00] talk about. It's shameful to say the word and that's what it does. It's, it, it literally stops you in your tracks, but that's why, you know what, a big love back to you because I think all along when I've seen you grow, you are so, and with your clients and with everything, you're so careful to make sure that they have both systems in place, if that makes sense.

Because like I say, you are aware that that that person that sits in front of you, as I am, is a vessel. And you know, with your listeners and, you know, You know, whoever else has got these dreams and aspirations, think of the plant, think your actual actualizing tendency. For me, I think it's a given we're going to grow and, you know, and, and again, like exactly what you said, your clients and your, your listeners, whatever will have grown perhaps successful businesses.

Savvy people, like, and again, I sit in that camp. We we've had many a laugh about this. Haven't we, you know, I built one really, really good, successful business and one I had to, you know, just dissolve and I just, I keep going on and on and on. I've had [00:26:00] cleaning franchises the lot, but yeah, it's, it's that moment, isn't it?

Of, of thinking and getting really honest with yourself. You know, that's, that's when you know, whether you need to take a little bit of a peek under the bonnet, you know? Yeah. 

Emma: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think, I don't think it does anybody any harm to take a little peek, just to have a look to see if everything is, is working the way that it should need to work.

And I think also, I think, you know, and I, and I know, Geri, that this is very much, you know, on your agenda in terms of the message that you want to spread. But I think there needs to be a lot more done in terms of people understanding that, you know, Therapy isn't sitting in a room with somebody on a bench, you know, with a, there are so many different modalities, so many different ways that you can get the help and support that you need.

It's not something to be ashamed of. In fact, I think it's pretty cool to have a therapist like you and you're in the world. And that's me from my point of view. You know, I know that, you [00:27:00] know, I've got you there all of the time and I am quite happy to hold my hands up and say, I know that I've got that.

And I think we need to. Talk about this more, don't we? We need to be able to talk about the fact that, you know, we do need help sometimes, not just in growing our business, but in actually growing ourselves alongside it, because the business will stall. The business will stop growing if you are not doing the work as well.

You've got to be standing in your own, your own power. You've got to be, your phrase, self led. You absolutely have to be the leader of your own ship, don't you? To enable you to get that growth. So I absolutely love that you are, um, on this bandwagon and that you are going to be sharing so much more of this, um, with this online space and obviously the offline space too, which I know is your, your main, um, work at the moment.

So, Geri. If I was to ask you to share with our listeners one top tip, one thing that is going to really help them with their [00:28:00] growth, what would you share? 

Geri: Right. Okay. I've just been thinking about this and I'm going to change it. I would like to, um, you know what? I would like to say what, uh, to stand in front of a mirror.

I'd like to say, can you, can you stand, you know, and what, and what goes on for you? Because I think if you can stand in front of the mirror, And I'm not talking, you know, high five, give yourself a kiss, whatnot, I'm not doing any of that. But if you can stand in front of the mirror and you're alright and you're happy and you can, you know, that's fine.

If you feel any level of discomfort, that's your vessel. That's your vessel that's taking you where you're going to go. So you want to do your 10k, 20k, whatever months you want, or whatever you want. All these extrinsic goals, they're fine by the way. But if you've got a niggle when you're looking in the mirror, Just remember that's the vessel that's going to get you there, and that, that's it, and question if it can do it.

And that, that is my top, top tip, is it? Would you call it that? I don't know, that sounded a bit cheesy, but yeah, there you go. 

Emma: We love a bit of cheese. We love a bit of cheese. I think that's a great one. That's a great one. And I'm [00:29:00] going to put the challenge there for people. I'm going to challenge everybody.

After you've listened to this episode, don't stand in front of that mirror and see what you see. Ask yourself a few questions and see what you see. Okay. Thank you so much for joining me today, Gerry. It's been an absolute pleasure chatting with you. I absolutely love exploring, as you know, who we are, who we truly are.

And I think that we need to do that. If we want to grow this dream business and have this dream life, we have to do that. We have to explore ourselves today. So thank you so, so much for being today's guest. And thank you to everybody else for listening. We will see you next time.

You have been listening to Dream Business, Dream Life with Emma Hine. If you want to know more about how I can help you to build your dream business and your dream life, then visit my website, emmahine. co. uk. Until next time, remember, you really can have it all.